credible schmedible

Ever realize that you've lost crediblity and haven't noticed it till months later? Moments like that can be super depressing.
Reviewing some events over the last year and a half of my life I came to the point were my relationships with some people have put me in a weird position. One particular relationship definitely put a strange bend on things.
Unfortunately throughout the whole relationship I was embarrassed at some level about what I was doing. Therefore I was highly secretive and uncommunicative because of my embarrassment. Being confused at the time and not wanting to show that I just kept my mouth shut. I needed help but wasn't good at asking for it. Because of my secrets I hurt those around me. It was wrong and I'm sorry for that. It hurt my credibiltiy with others. I'm sure people thought that if I could hide a relationship what else was I capable of hiding? Also my ability to judge what a good relationship should be was affected.
I see know that people probably couldn't trust me or my judgement because of my choices. It was immature of me, selfish and silly. I took up a relationship of convenience because I was lonely when I should've focused more on the tasks and friends before me...
I'm sorry for alienating my roomates in particular. I should've been more available to you guys.
If I've learned anything it's to be more honest about my process with those close to me and how my decesions can affect others around me.
It's been months since the relationship ended and I'm still learning things to help me in the future when it comes to, well, just plain living with others.
But at the same time it's hard to be open when you feel that others are judging you or not willing to approach you with their concerns. Hearing the whispers of deresion and raised eyebrows can certainly do a number on your confidence. Allies in those you feel you can't trust is a risky proposition. I suppose it does come done to your perception at the time. Already feeling dogged by paranoia probably made me super sensitive. Being sick and in a high pressure situation probably didn't help either! What I am thankful for is having a small group of friends who listened to me bumble my way through things like a one year old learning to walk. They let me learn and helped to set me on my feet again when I tried to get up to give it a go one more time.
Thanks guys.