Hard Lessons

When it comes to friendship, I find it difficult to be present.
I've discovered that I make poor choices in people. Only because I refuse my gut instincts and play the nice game.
I notice patterns of behaviour then chose to ignore them. One time I noticed a friend who would become close friends with other people then proceed to alienate themselves. It was strange because the alienation was preceeded by a small event that would then be turned into a justified reason for cutting that person out of their lives. I would sit and listen as they would discuss their dissapointment. I didn't recognize that this pattern could eventually happen to me. Nor did I have the guts to honest and point this out to my friend. I just helped in the villifying of the other individual. I had failed to do the very thing that could've made this person better and to test and strengthen the friendship.

I do realize that my friendship pool is very limited. Moving to a new community means building new relationships. The main reason is the fact that I have isolated my self since the summer of 2004. It was when I got sick. When you're ill you don't have the energy to go out or reach out to friends. Your pool becomes small quickly. Illness in a young person is hard to be around. It's hard to like hospitals or a 20 something who acts like an old person. It's also hard to question your own mortality. I've gotten tired of talking about it and trying to help people to understand. It is very boring and repetitive to be asked ' how are you feeling?' and not know wether the inquiry is sincere. It must be even more boring for the person to hear in response ' no change..' I don't like discussing the truth of how I feel anymore. Only because I know that its hard to care about. Their life and their own world is far more interesting and involved. It isn't a selfish motivation. We only can truly understand what we ourselves have been through. One can be empathetic, and understanding but can never fully comprehend.

Now realize this is not a pity party. It is simple reflection on the human condition. People don't generally reflect on other people. They think about themselves. It's what we know. It's who we look out for. It's our base nature

It takes true character to overcome that natural inclination. That's what makes true friendship so incredible. The ability to look out for someone else. To take on difficulties together. To stick through the arguments and to not let go. To encourage each other. To listen.

To often friendships are sacrificed over little things. Over misunderstandings. Over mistakes. Small things that with patience and understanding can be fixed. Most often though I've noticed, we can't handle the discomfort. The discomfort of making a mistake, of being wrong, being judgemental.... So instead of working it through we justify why that other person is the bad guy and let them slide out of our lives. Never to really know what the relationship could have been.

It's too easy to let go and pick up elsewhere. To simple. I do treasure the hardy frienships in my life. They are very few but I know that they'll always be there. Even when I'm an absolute ass.